An Open Letter to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce

Illustration by Peter Townsend

Hi, hello, how are you? You don’t know me, but I certainly know you. It’s kind of impossible not to know you if you are a fan of sports or music or have gone on the Internet at all in the last couple of years. You don’t even have to follow football to be aware of all-things Traylor (or is it Swelcy now?), as viewers of the U.S. Open recently discovered.

First of all, congrats on the engagement! I just knew you crazy kids would get hitched one day. Unlike so many naysayers out there, I for one never thought that yours was a sham relationship or any sort of PR stunt to deflect negative press or a devious way to promote products or projects. You can’t fake true love, amirite?

While your nuptials may not be for a while, it’s never too early to start the planning, and one of the first things you’re probably thinking about is the guest list. Surely, Taylor, all of your celebrity besties will want to be there, but you’d be forgiven – due to space constraints, of course – if not everyone in that lively bunch gets an invite.

As for the groom’s side, naturally there needs to be a contingency from the Chiefs, and this has to include head coach Andy Reid, who, presumably will don his nicest windbreaker to attend. You should be prepared, however, to have extra food – maybe all the food – on hand, as the guy’s appetite is legendary, and when he has access to an unlimited amount of grub, he can put Joey Chestnut to shame.

Presumably, the champagne will be flowing – and maybe even from those fancy bottles with corks – but if offensive linemen Wanya Morris and Chukwuebuka Godrick are invited, they may want something a little stronger. These connoisseurs would surely appreciate it if you included some rolling papers at their table. (Maybe in a tiny top hat? That would be classy.)

Wouldn’t it be great if Harrison Butker could come to the wedding? Though it is possible that the sight of so many women there – and not at home and pregnant – might be a shock to him. (And, Travis, if he wants to make a toast, maybe find out what he’s going to say ahead of time. That might not be the occasion to rail against unwed cats or free pudding at elementary schools or whatever’s bothering him that week.)

Oh, and if you’ll need a ride to the airport afterwards to hop on one of your private jets – and remember, Travis, they’re not just Taylor’s anymore – maybe don’t ask Rashee Rice to drive you. Then again, he’d probably get you there super fast.

Whoever attends, it’s bound to be a great time, with everyone boogying down to Foreigner’s greatest hits. And of course we can only speculate about what will happen. For example, Travis, will your brother Jason decide to disrobe and bathe in the chocolate fountain? Will your buddy George Kittle insist that before the ceremony all of the groomsmen take a hit of smelling salts?

When you, Taylor, throw the bouquet, will Brittany Mahomes do her best tight-end impression and knock people over to get it (not that she needs it; her marriage to Patrick seems rock-solid), but because for some reason it was you who were getting all of the attention?

Thanks to the nondisclosure agreements you’ll probably include with the RSVPs, most of us will never truly know what takes place at your wedding. Maybe that’s for the best, however, as fairytales are usually better in stories (or songs, perhaps) than they are in real life.

Anyway, congrats again; you two really deserve it. Oh, and by the way, if you want to show just how down-to-earth you both are by inviting a mere mortal to your shindig, you know how to find me.

Sincerely,

Tim Josephs